Feeling guilty about taking time off? Me too.

I am sitting under the cool duvet covers of my Airbnb bedroom after a long, but awesome day on the Family Medicine Inpatient Service at the Mayo Clinic. After lathering up and washing off the hospital aroma (if you know, you know) with a wonderfully hot shower, I am sitting here in my cream silk robe feeling an odd sense of despair and sadness

Why, feelings, WHY!?! I had a great day, connected well with the team, learned so much and felt myself becoming more confident in my skillset. Yet, I’m sitting here feeling dejected and tearful. Mind you, it has been a busy and exhausting few weeks. With back to back board exams and back to back electives, there hasn’t been much time to breathe. At this moment, I am craving a night off with some mindless Netflix entertainment, but I can’t get past that fear of unproductivity. *Cue the nagging guilt and sinking feeling of wasting precious time*. 

How ironic is it that I am wasting time worrying about wasting time? As opposed to taking a well deserved mental break? That I am sitting here tearful on the phone with my partner over feelings of inadequacy, as opposed to taking this evening as an opportunity to have a virtual date with him and refill my soul cup. 

In the era of ever evolving technology and readily available information at your finger tips , our North American society is programmed to be hyper-productive. The unrelenting work grind, the high societal value set on productivity, the inherently competitive edge of professional school, makes it easy to let the work end of the work-life balance win out.

Throughout med school, internalised feelings of inferiority have almost become par for the course. Am I doing enough? Did I study enough hours? OMG I DID NOT KNOW THIS I NEED TO STAY AWAKE ALL NIGHT TO FIGURE THIS OUT. How are they juggling so many things? Why is it so easy for other people? Is it just me?  These thoughts often plague my brain space, creating a rather toxic storm. 

In moments like this, I am grateful that my partner knows how to lift me out of this storm. He reminded me that comparison is the death of happiness. And that I am unique, different from every other person around me. With different goals, dreams, habits, methods and needs. That doesn’t make me any less successful, it just makes me unique. And I don’t need to ask for permission to take an evening off. I should value myself enough to know when I need and deserve a break. 
So for my readers who also struggle with feelings of inferiority and difficulty allowing yourself to take a guilt-free break, hear it from me: you deserve it, you need it, and you are worth it.

Actually repeat after me: 

I can do this.

I am strong. 

I am capable.

I am deserving of time and self-care. 

I am UNIQUE. 

I AM ENOUGH. 

Try repeating those out loud when you are feeling less than. And watch that self-confidence slowly begin to radiate.

To wellness & well-deserved, guilt-free breaks!